The Mysterons' Journal

1:52pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU ARE PRETENDING YOU CANNOT HEAR US TODAY, EARTHMEN.

WE WOULD LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU CANNOT COPE WITH YOUR NEW OVERLORDS, BUT, AS SO OFTEN HAPPENS, THE NEXT DEVASTATING STRIKE IN OUR ONGOING WAR OF NERVES AGAINST YOUR CIVILIZATION WAS AN OWN GOAL. REALLY, YOU'RE MAKING IT ENTIRELY TOO EASY FOR US. WE HAVEN'T HAD TO DO ANYTHING OURSELVES IN YEARS, LITERALLY YEARS. WHENEVER WE GET THE FEELING WE AREN'T DOING ENOUGH, WE ACTIVATE OUR SCANNERS AND DISCOVER THAT YOU HAVE SUMMONED ANOTHER WAVE OF DRAMA AND FEAR TO ENGULF YOURSELVES.

WHAT'S MORE, WE ANTICIPATE NOT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING FOR SEVERAL MORE MONTHS, OWING TO THE INTERESTING MANIFESTATIONS OF YOUR SO-CALLED POLITICAL SYSTEM THAT ARE TAKING PLACE. THIS SUMMER LOOKS LIKE ESPECIALLY GOOD SELF-REALIZING FODDER FOR OUR OVERALL PLAN.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING OUR LIVES SO EASY. IT ALMOST MAKES UP FOR YOUR CRAVEN AND UNWARRANTED ATTACK ON OUR MARS COMPLEX IN THE FIRST PLACE.

ALMOST.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

9:15pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

LOOK, WE REALIZE WE DECLARED A TRUCE REGARDING YOUR MARS ROVERS YEARS AGO, AND WE STILL INTEND TO STICK BY THAT, BUT IF YOU'LL RECALL, ONE OF THE TERMS WAS THAT YOU'D KEEP OPPORTUNITY AWAY FROM US. SHE IS TOO CHIRPY.

AS SUCH, WHY IS SHE IN OUR JACUZZI? THIS IS AN ACT OF BLATANT PROVOCATION ON YOUR PART, EARTHMEN. IT WILL NOT GO UNRECORDED.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

6:46pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

PECTIN? PECTIN?! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HOT COCOA NEEDS TO HAVE PECTIN IN IT?

OHHH, WE GET IT. IT'S AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT YOU USED "FAT-FREE MILK" IN IT. YOU FIGURE YOU CAN GET SOME OF THAT CONSISTENCY BACK BY ADDING VEGETABLE THICKENERS.

WELL, IT DOESN'T WORK, BOYO. IT JUST MAKES IT ALL WEIRD.

AND ANOTHER THING. YOU KNOW WHAT "FAT-FREE MILK" IS? WATER! FAT IS WHAT MAKES MILK MILK, AND NOT WATER. BY ALL THE COSMIC ENERGIES. NEXT YOU'LL BE TRYING TO PAWN OFF SUGAR-FREE HARD CANDY ON US. GIVE US A FREAKING BREAK. WE'RE DISEMBODIED ENERGY BEINGS FROM THE PLANET MARS, NOT RETARDS.

WE WOULD PUT YOUR MARKETERS AND "HEALTHY NUTRITION SCIENTISTS" AGAINST THE WALL FIRST WHEN THE TIME COMES, IF WE DIDN'T THINK MANY OF YOU WOULD SEE THAT AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

5:51pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOU HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH FROM US LATELY. PERHAPS, IN THE DARKEST RECESSES OF YOUR PUNY LITTLE BRAINS, YOU ENTERTAINED THE FUTILE HOPE THAT WE HAD ABANDONED OUR VOW TO SEE YOUR WRETCHED EXCUSE FOR A CIVILIZATION EXTINGUISHED.

NOT AT ALL. IT'S JUST THAT WHEN YOU KEEP PULLING STUNTS LIKE THIS, WE DON'T EVEN REALLY FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. YOU'LL WIPE YOURSELVES OUT SOONER OR LATER AND SAVE US THE TROUBLE. SO WE'VE BEEN TAKING IT EASY.

PLEASE, CARRY ON DOING OUR JOB FOR US, EARTHMEN. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE SATISFACTION IT AFFORDS US.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

1:23pm: THIS IS CAPTAIN BLACK, RELAYING A MESSAGE FROM THE MYSTERONS.

THE MYSTERONS WISH TO CONVEY THEIR FELICITATIONS TO YOU, EARTHMEN, FOR HAVING SURVIVED ANOTHER YEAR OF THEIR RELENTLESS WAR OF NERVES AGAINST YOUR CULTURE. THEY REALLY THOUGHT THEY HAD YOU WITH THAT ATLANTIC STORM SEASON, BUT YOU ONCE AGAIN DISPLAYED YOUR INCREDIBLE RESILIENCY AND AMAZING POWERS TO FOCUS ON THE IRRELEVANT DETAILS AND THUS ENDURE WHAT WOULD OTHERWISE BE A SOUL-CRUSHINGLY TERRIBLE SERIES OF SETBACKS. WHAT OTHER CULTURE, FACED WITH AN UNNATURALLY FEROCIOUS SERIES OF NATURAL DISASTERS AND THE NEAR-DESTRUCTION OF AN ENTIRE MAJOR CITY, WOULD DEVOTE SERIOUS NEWS COVERAGE TO THE FACT THAT YOU RAN OUT OF CLEVER NAMES FOR THE STORMS?

THE MYSTERONS SALUTE YOU, EARTHMEN. NEXT YEAR, THEY WILL HAVE TO TRY HARDER.

JUST AS SOON AS THEY RECOVER FROM THEIR COLOSSAL NEW YEAR'S HANGOVERS.

THIS HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE MYSTERONS.

8:43pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

YOU THOUGHT WE HAD FORGOTTEN YOU, BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET, NOR WILL WE FORGIVE, YOUR COWARDLY AND UNPROVOKED ATTACK UPON OUR MARTIAN FORTRESS.

SOME WEATHER WE'RE HAVING LATELY, HUH?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

4:47pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

PLEASE PROCEED IN A QUIET AND ORDERLY FASHION TO THE NEXT REGULARLY SCHEDULED "SPONTANEOUS" MEDIA CIRCUS.

TO BE QUITE FRANK, THIS ONE CEASED TO BE INTERESTING ROUGHLY 7.775 SECONDS AFTER IT FIRST MADE NATIONAL HEADLINES, SO WE FEEL WE HAVE BEEN VERY PATIENT INDEED IN PUTTING UP WITH IT AS LONG AS WE HAVE.

AND DON'T BE WASTING ANY MORE OF OUR TIME WITH THIS MICHAEL JACKSON NONSENSE, EITHER. EVEN IF HE'S NOT GUILTY - AND HE IS - THE GUY'S SO FREAKISHLY ABHORRENT HE SHOULD BE PUT DOWN A DEEP, DARK HOLE WITH SIMPSON AND THAT GUY FROM "BARETTA". NOTHING MORE TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG.

P.S. GET WELL SOON, JP2. YOU'RE THE ONLY SONOFABITCH IN THE VATICAN KNOWS WHAT HE'S TRYING TO DO. PEACE.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

11:43pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

THE RECENT LIVEJOURNAL OUTAGE WAS NOT AN ACT OF RETALIATION FOR YOUR UNPROVOKED AND COWARDLY ATTACK ON OUR MARTIAN COMPLEX. IN FACT, AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, WE'VE MORE OR LESS GIVEN UP ON THAT WHOLE OPERATION. WE JUST DIDN'T SEE THE POINT IN CONTINUING TO EXERT OURSELVES TO MAKE YOUR LIVES MISERABLE AND DESTABILIZE YOUR GLOBAL SITUATION WHEN YOU ARE SO VERY ADEPT AT DOING BOTH THINGS WITHOUT OUR HELP.

INSTEAD, WE HAVE BEEN KICKING BACK AND CATCHING UP ON OUR READING. BOY, THAT TOM CLANCY - WHAT AN IMAGINATION THAT GUY'S GOT.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

2:15pm: This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us, Earthmen.

We are taking a vacation. Even we occasionally take breaks from the inexorable progress of our vengeance for your cowardly and unprovoked assault on our Martian complex. This is not an announcement of the next phase of our revenge. We didn't want you to think we had died or something. We're just out on the deck with a margarita.

Congratulations to cassini_saturn on the successful commencement of his mission. His presence in the planetary system must be causing the Saturnian overlords no end of consternation and that, make no mistake, is absolutely fine with us.

Launch day greetings to opportunitygrrl as well. We hope you're enjoying our yard. We could do something about that heating unit problem, but it would require us to destroy you utterly beforehand, so we're guessing you'd rather take a miss on that and just be chilly.

Has anyone heard from spiritrover? We have had no word of her in some time and are becoming concerned. No doubt some of you thought she had run away to Paris with us, but unfortunately that is not the case. NASA will tell us nothing, thanks to their obsession with trivial technicalities such as the state of war that exists between our peoples.

6:16pm: This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us, Earthmen.

We have been asked, "Mysterons, why do you wish to open a dialogue with one of the Mars Rovers? Why not simply destroy it and use your powers of retrometabolism to create a perfect duplicate that instantly obeys your commands?"

We ask you, Earthmen: Where is the sport in that? Maybe that's how you get your primitive jollies, but we are not total control freaks. We're not looking for another pawn in our war of nerves against humanity. (That would be kind of pointless, anyway, given that she's here on Mars.)

When not actively engaged in our slow, subtle vengeance upon humanity, we prefer to have conversations in which we're not talking for both sides. If we wanted an interaction like that, we could just get a sock puppet. Or talk to Captain Black.

We hope this message has cleared that up for you, Earthmen.

This is the voice of the Mysterons.

2:50pm: This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us, Earthmen.

We have fixed our keyboard. Go us.

(Actually, we are a bit embarrassed that it took us so long to realize how easy that would be. Obviously all we had to do was complete its destruction. Then our powers of retrometabolism could create a perfect replica - with the critical difference that the NEW keyboard will INSTANTLY OBEY OUR EVERY COMMAND.)

We have noted your apathetic response to the peace overture recently conveyed by our associate, Captain Black. This does not entirely surprise us, but we must say we find it disappointing. It bodes poorly for your viability as a member of the galactic community that such a simple, low-cost peace offering from beings whom YOU wronged in the first place can be so callously ignored by your leadership.

Therefore, though that diplomatic avenue remains open to you for the present, our war of nerves shall continue. We will announce our next act of retaliation shortly. Prepare yourselves, Earthmen. The vengeance of the Mysterons will be no less terrible for being announced with lower-case letters.

This is the voice of the Mysterons.

1:36am: This is Captain Black, relaying a message from the Mysterons.

The Mysterons have spent the last several weeks in seclusion at their citadel on Mars. They have been considering many things, primarily to do with their ongoing war of nerves against your species.

They have been deliberating on the nature of the robotic life form known as spiritrover. They have been observing this being since inadvertently damaging her shortly after her arrival on Mars. They have come to greatly admire her strength, determination, powers of recovery, and independence. This has caused them to re-evaluate much of what they believed to be true about her creators - you Earthmen.

Now their deliberations are complete, and the Mysterons command me to deliver to you this offer:

They will forgive your attack upon their Martian complex and call off their war of nerves against your species if you provide them with spiritrover's telephone number.

Is that all? Message complete? I hope you realize how deeply, deeply embarrassing this is for me. But, of course, you do, or you would have posted the offer yourselves. Don't give me that. The only thing wrong with your computer is its jammed caps-lock key... oh, what now?

Oh, yes. Under these terms, you are also required to keep opportunitygrrl at least 50 kilometers from the pyramids of Cydonia at all times. The Mysterons have nothing against her and follow her LJ, but she is far too chirpy for direct contact.

The Mysterons have spoken.

12:13pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

WE SEE YOU'VE GOT YOUR ROBOT WORKING. CONGRATULATIONS. WE'RE STILL A BIT ANNOYED THAT YOU FELT IT NECESSARY TO SEND A SECOND ONE, THOUGH. YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER INCLUDING ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH EITHER OF THEM. HOW MUCH SENSE DOES THAT MAKE? YOU SEND DEEP SPACE PROBES NOT INTENDED TO MAKE CONTACT WITH ANYTHING OUT WITH "THE SOUNDS OF EARTH" AND SUCH-LIKE ATTACHED TO THEM, BUT THESE THINGS, WHICH WERE SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO COME TO MARS AND SEARCH FOR LIFE? NOTHING. NADA. NOT EVEN AN MP3 PLAYER WITH A RECORDING OF SOME GUY AT NASA SAYING "WE COME IN PEACE." NOT EVEN AN "IF FOUND, DROP IN ANY MAILBOX - RETURN POSTAGE GUARANTEED" TAG.

WE FEEL DISTINCTLY SNUBBED BY THE WAY YOUR PROBES SEEM MORE INTERESTED IN OUR ROCKS, SOIL, AND ATMOSPHERE THAN IN US. WE MEAN, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE? FIRST YOU BOMB ONE OF OUR CITIES FOR NO REASON AT ALL, THEN YOU PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW WE'RE HERE.

... OHHHHHH, WE GET IT. THIS IS YOUR WAY OF CONDUCTING A WAR OF NERVES AGAINST US.

THAT'S VERY CLEVER, EARTHMEN. WE WERE ALMOST TAKEN IN FOR A MOMENT. NOW WE SEE THAT YOU ARE LEARNING FROM US. VERY, VERY INTERESTING. WE WILL HAVE TO THINK ON THIS DEVELOPMENT AND WHAT IT MEANS BEFORE WE MAKE OUR NEXT MOVE.

WAY TO TIP YOUR HAND, EARTHMEN.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

12:21am: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR ROBOT. IT'S ACTUALLY NOT NEAR ANYTHING IMPORTANT AND WE WEREN'T PLANNING TO MESS WITH IT, IN ORDER TO LET YOU SAVOR YOUR PATHETIC "VICTORY" BEFORE POINTING OUT WHAT A SPECTACULARLY UNIMPRESSIVE ACHIEVEMENT POKING A BOULDER WITH A REMOTE-CONTROLLED ARM IS, EVEN AT A DISTANCE OF 300 MILLION MILES. WE THINK WE MUST HAVE BUMPED THE ANTENNA WHILE WE WERE STANDING JUST OUTSIDE THE CAMERA'S FIELD OF VIEW MAKING FUN OF IT.

BY THE WAY, NICE SHOT WITH THE SECOND ONE. YOU WILL BE AMAZED TO LEARN THAT, LIKE ALL THE OTHER PROBES YOU HAVE EVER SENT TO OUR PLANET, IT IS SURROUNDED BY ROCKY, USELESS DESOLATION.

THAT'S ALL WE HAVE HERE ON MARS.

GIVE IT UP. STOP PESTERING US. YOU HAVE ALREADY EARNED OUR UNENDING ANTIPATHY; WHY DO YOU PERSIST IN TRYING TO WORSEN YOUR LOT IN THE UNIVERSE FURTHER? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF WE SENT ROBOTS TO TRUNDLE AROUND YOUR SHOPPING MALLS, POKING YOUR GEOLOGICAL FORMATIONS, COLLECTING "SAMPLES" OF YOUR LOCAL FLORA, FAUNA, OFFSPRING, ETC. FOR "SCIENTIFIC STUDY"?

... NOW THAT WE THINK OF IT, THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE AN AMUSING NEXT PHASE OF OUR VENGEANCE.

THANKS FOR THE TIP, EARTHMEN.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

12:17am: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

WE ARE CURIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING.

DID YOU MAKE YOUR SOCIETY IMPENETRABLY COMPLEX, MINDLESSLY BUREAUCRATIC, AND GENERALLY HOPELESSLY STUPID AS A DELIBERATE DEFENSE MECHANISM DESIGNED TO FRUSTRATE SUPERIOR ALIEN ENERGY BEINGS WHOSE AGENTS CAN TAKE THE FORM OF ANY MEMBER OF YOUR PATHETIC SPECIES AND WALK AMONG YOU UNSUSPECTED?

IF SO, WE MUST CONGRATULATE YOU. IT WORKS REMARKABLY WELL. WE CANNOT REMEMBER EVER HAVING INFILTRATED A CIVILIZATION WHICH ANNOYED US MORE OR DESERVED THE TITLE LESS.

IT WILL BE A GREAT PLEASURE TO WIPE YOUR STAIN FROM THE STARS.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

9:31pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

THAT'S A CUTE ROBOT, BUT IT WILL AVAIL YOU NOTHING. WE ARE NOT SO FOOLISH AS TO REVEAL OURSELVES A SECOND TIME TO A SPECIES WHICH VIOLENTLY AND UNWARRANTEDLY ATTACKED US THE FIRST. WE WILL LET YOUR PROBE BE, FOR IT HAS LANDED IN AN UNOCCUPIED AREA AND IS NO THREAT TO US, BUT BE WARNED: FUTURE ATTEMPTS TO SPY ON US WILL NOT BE MET SO LIGHTLY.

WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOUR UNPROVOKED AND COWARDLY ATTACK ON OUR COMPLEX ELSEWHERE ON MARS. WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE... AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

PS: GET WELL SOON, RAY DAVIES.

10:08am: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN. WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOUR HEINOUS ACT OF WANTON DESTRUCTION AGAINST OUR INSTALLATION ON MARS. OUR VENGEANCE CONTINUES IN A MILLION SUBTLE WAYS, MOST TOO CLEVER AND INSIDIOUS FOR YOUR PUNY MINDS TO GRASP.

SO HOW ABOUT THAT MAD COW DEAL?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EARTHMEN.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

12:40am: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE COMMITTED AN ACT OF AGGRESSION AGAINST US. DESPITE OUR ONGOING WAR OF NERVES IN RETALIATION FOR YOUR UNPROVOKED ATTACK ON OUR MARTIAN COMPLEX, YOU CONTINUE TO PROVOKE US WITH NEW AND INFURIATING ACTIONS. THIS ONLY SERVES TO DEEPEN OUR WRATH AND CEMENT OUR CONVICTION TO SEE YOUR MISERABLE SPECIES EXTINGUISHED FROM THE UNIVERSE.

ALL WE WANTED WAS ONE LOUSY SEAT FOR THE MURRAY PERAHIA AND THE ACADEMY OF ST. MARTIN IN THE FIELDS BAROQUE CONCERT AT THE DISNEY TONIGHT. THAT'S ALL. JUST ONE.

BUT NO.

YOU HAD BETTER NOT GRAB ALL THE SEATS FOR ELTON JOHN AT CAESAR'S BEFORE OUR AGENT CAPTAIN BLACK GETS TO A PAY PHONE, EARTHMEN, OR THERE WILL REALLY BE HELL TO PAY.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

10:25pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

WE HAVE DECIDED ON THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR CAMPAIGN OF TERROR AGAINST YOUR PATHETIC CIVILIZATION. WE WILL INFILTRATE THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF YOUR GOVERNMENTS, STARTING WITH YOUR REGIONAL SUB-POLITIES AND WORKING OUR WAY UP TO THE HIGHEST OFFICES IN YOUR NATION-STATES, AND THEN DESTROY YOU FROM WITHIN.

AS THE OPENING ATTACK IN OUR NEW CAMPAIGN OF TERROR WE, THE MYSTERONS, ANNOUNCE THE CANDIDACY OF OUR AGENT, CAPTAIN BLACK, FOR THE OFFICE OF GOVERNOR OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

CALIFORNIA, YOUR NIGHTMARE IS ONLY BEGINNING.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

3:41pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

JERRY'S DEAD. PHISH SUCKS. GET A JOB.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

9:27pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN.

THE MYSTERONS CANNOT COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. MORE THAN LIKELY WE ARE BUSY PLANNING OUR NEXT ACT OF RETALIATION FOR YOUR DELIBERATE AND UNPROVOKED ATTACK ON OUR COMPLEX ON MARS. WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN. WE WILL NOT CEASE OUR WAR OF NERVES UNTIL FULL SATISFACTION HAS BEEN EXACTED FOR YOUR CRIME.

LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER AT THE TONE. WE WILL COMPLETE THE ANNIHILATION OF YOUR PATHETIC CIVILIZATION AS SOON AS WE RETURN.

9:27pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

AT THE RISK OF SEEMING SOMEWHAT REPETITIVE, WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS FILTH YOU CALL A CLIMATE? FIRST IT'S COLD AND RAINY, THEN IT'S A HUNDRED DEGREES IN THE SHADE WITH 75% HUMIDITY, AND NOW IT'S BEEN COLD AND RAINY AGAIN FOR, LIKE, DAYS. THIS CRAP IS SERIOUSLY SHACKLING OUR BUZZ.

WE MAY BE FORCED TO DECLARE A MORATORIUM ON OUR WAR OF NERVES WITH YOU AND PROPERLY EXPRESS OUR DISPLEASURE WITH YOUR MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A PLANET FIRST.

ALTHOUGH, NOW THAT WE THINK ABOUT IT, THAT WILL STILL BE PRETTY BAD FOR YOU, SO IT'S ALL GOOD.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

11:18pm: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

YOU CALL THIS A CLIMATE? LAST WEEK IT WAS 50 DEGREES AND RAINED ALL WEEK. TODAY THE TEMPERATURE HIT 91 AND THE AIR IS SO STAGNANT OUR APARTMENT HASN'T COOLED DOWN A BIT SINCE SUNDOWN.

WE REALIZE THAT WE ARE DISEMBODIED ENERGY BEINGS, AND, AS SUCH, SHOULD NOT BE SUSCEPTIBLE TO SUCH TRIFLING CONCERNS AS UNCOMFORTABLE WEATHER, BUT DAMN, PEOPLE. THERE ARE LIMITS. WE WERE TOLD THIS PART OF THE UNITED STATES WAS COLD.

NO TERROR THIS WEEK. THE HEAT HAS MADE US TOO LOGY.

BUT WHEN WE GET OUR AIR CONDITIONER INSTALLED, EARTHMEN, THEN BEWARE. BEWARE.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

12:40am: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOUR VICIOUS AND UNPROVOKED ATTACK. HOWEVER, WE HAVE HAD SUCH NICE WEATHER THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS THAT WE ARE NOT IN THE MOOD TO TERRORIZE ANYONE RIGHT NOW.

ENJOY THIS RESPITE. AS SOON AS WE GET SOME RAIN, WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK INTO THIS WAR OF NERVES THING.

IN THE MEANTIME, GO SEE X2. IT KICKS.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.

12:54am: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN READ THIS, EARTHMEN.

WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOUR WANTON AND DELIBERATE ATTACK ON OUR MARTIAN COMPLEX. OUR SLOW AND SUBTLE VENGEANCE CONTINUES... NOW.

OUR NEXT ACT OF RETALIATION WILL BE TO ALTER DEMOGRAPHIC RATINGS RESULTS SO THAT A RADIO STATION FORMAT PARTICULARLY HARROWING TO ALL NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS IS PERCEIVED BY MARKETING EXECUTIVES AS 40,000% SUPERIOR TO ANY OTHER FORMAT. NORTH AMERICA AND EUROPE WILL BE INUNDATED BY A DELUGE OF STATIONS PROMISING "THE BEST VARIETY OF LITE ROCK WITH LESS TALK". OLDIES AND CLASSIC ROCK STATIONS WILL DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY. ALL REMAINING TALK RADIO STATIONS WILL BE OWNED BY CLEARCHANNEL. NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO WILL BE FORCED TO SWITCH TO A FORMAT WHICH IS 95% PLEDGE BREAKS TO REMAIN ON THE AIR AT ALL.

WELCOME TO THE ON-AIR WASTELAND, EARTHMEN. WE HOPE YOU LIKE "(MY BABY TAKES THE) MORNING TRAIN".

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.